Okay, so now you all know what's going on with my dad. I don't know how to help. we don't know what's really going on and everyone is trying to be a hero. especially my dad. especially my mom. dad doesn't want anyone to fuss. like every other ousey in this family, he wants to make sure that everyone else is not inconvenienced by something that he's going through. and mom has taken a lot on after all that she's been through recently. and things seem to be getting worse. and since all the damn doctors are looking only for evidence of their own already-made diagnosis, no one seems to know what the hell is going on. so, no one can fix it yet. so, for today, dad's in the hospital again. Oh, i am starting to get mad writing this. i know that mom is going through so much stuff in her head, nevermind what dad must be feeling. i just feel so helpless. i know everyone is worried about him, but i don't know what to worry about yet. so i'm mad. and i feel selfish about being mad, or even needing to write that i am mad.

what possible reason is my dad going through this. what a shitty year. i am so mad. i don't know who to be mad at. i don't know what to be mad at.

everyone is upset. i can tell that mom is mad too. when i talk to her i can tell. she's also feeling a lot of other things obviously. but this , whatever it is, isn't going away and i thought maybe it would help me to write this. i hope i'm not being irresponsible posting this. but if anyone in my family wants to talk to me about it, please do. that's what families are for.

but let me be clear. this is not a cry for help, and this is not a call to action for any family who are reading this. i just needed to get it off my chest. joel thinks blogging is cathartic. a chance to exorcise your thoughts. now if only you could exact change by blogging.