Hey all, so, new posting! It's been over a year. Dad would've been upset! I'm a little sad tonight. Today would've been his 60th birthday and I do miss him. Actually I miss him so very much. He was thoughtful, compassionate, insightful and loving. He was an incredible dad and with Father's day coming up I just hope to the powers that move you that you don't let your dad get taken for granted. I hope that those of you who still have your dad don't forget to tell them how they've made you whole. I hope that you tell them how much you love them and are so thankful that they are still in your life, and I hope that you appreciate how it could be completely different in the blink of an eye. Dammit I am trying to be concise, but it's not as sincere as the spoken word. sniff, sniff, I am definitely changed.........

Well, it's clearly been awhile since I blogged. So much has happened and I am flying below the radar. I have certainly been avoiding any and all unnecessary contact with anyone. I apologize for that. I am starting to feel less numb and I am starting to feel like feeling better. I have been keeping a journal for myself, and I have been to see a counsellor. I have started to call more of my friends and I am managing to keep a lot of energy for work. Whenever no one is counting on me for anything,....that's when I feel the grief the most. I am finding ways to compartmentalize it. I think it's healthy, so long as you don't keep it all compartmentalized indefinitely. There isn't a day that goes by ,though, that I don't replay some part of my Dad dying. I can see it all so clearly. Every last minute. I can feel it all when I close my eyes. I hear everything, I see everything. I can recall any moment from the entire numb week that I spent in Winnipeg. Up until he died. Then, I remember some parts, but I wasn't as present after. I am writing this just because it helps. The more I express it, the less it hurts. I think.

I'm mostly thinking about all the lovely, wonderful people who have helped me. The support has been tremeandous. From Glen, the next-door neighbour, to all my family. I have appreciated any little bits of help. From words of kindness to all forms of communication. It has come from unlikely and surprising sources. I am very thankful. It is really necessary to be able to count on others when you are entwined with grief.

This whole experience has made me understand other people better. We all grieve, we all have tragedy, and we all have to listen to each other. I am proud to say that it was my Dad who taught me that.

Okay, so now you all know what's going on with my dad. I don't know how to help. we don't know what's really going on and everyone is trying to be a hero. especially my dad. especially my mom. dad doesn't want anyone to fuss. like every other ousey in this family, he wants to make sure that everyone else is not inconvenienced by something that he's going through. and mom has taken a lot on after all that she's been through recently. and things seem to be getting worse. and since all the damn doctors are looking only for evidence of their own already-made diagnosis, no one seems to know what the hell is going on. so, no one can fix it yet. so, for today, dad's in the hospital again. Oh, i am starting to get mad writing this. i know that mom is going through so much stuff in her head, nevermind what dad must be feeling. i just feel so helpless. i know everyone is worried about him, but i don't know what to worry about yet. so i'm mad. and i feel selfish about being mad, or even needing to write that i am mad.

what possible reason is my dad going through this. what a shitty year. i am so mad. i don't know who to be mad at. i don't know what to be mad at.

everyone is upset. i can tell that mom is mad too. when i talk to her i can tell. she's also feeling a lot of other things obviously. but this , whatever it is, isn't going away and i thought maybe it would help me to write this. i hope i'm not being irresponsible posting this. but if anyone in my family wants to talk to me about it, please do. that's what families are for.

but let me be clear. this is not a cry for help, and this is not a call to action for any family who are reading this. i just needed to get it off my chest. joel thinks blogging is cathartic. a chance to exorcise your thoughts. now if only you could exact change by blogging.

Before I really go....I just want to say I am thoroughly enjoying "High and Dry" from Radiohead. Yup, it's a great song......just listening to it right now.....

Well, 5 straight days of fog. I am starting to feel like I'm in a sci-fi/horror movie. It has been as thick as pea soup for too long. I am not even sure that the ocean is still there. I haven't seen past 10 feet in front of me since last week.

I went to the volunteer wrap-up session at Science World last saturday. They really don't expect much from the volunteers! Oh, well. It's a fun day for me when I'm there. One of my perks is that I get to see Omnimax films for free. So, I went to see a film on Vikings. I gotta tell you, they really did change the shape of the world. I didn't realize how much.

Have you seen my amazing husband's blogsite? You really ought to. I'm so proud of him. He's got some talent there.

Gotta go, it's officially my weekend. I am going to go and celebrate. Kisses/hugs, Margot

okay, so it's been awhile. everything has been good. i went to science world and did a shift there. hoo boy, there were lots of kids. there was a school class that came through and they had sheets to fill out with questions on the exhibits. it was kinda fun, but i was nervous because they were all coming up to me and asking me questions from the sheets, and i didn't know some of them. i tried to let them get it themselves even when i did know, cause, damn, that's the whole point right? when they left there was no one in the exhibit. it was empty for a long time. it certainly isn't a hopping place most of the time.

anyways, i just finished an assignment for my course, and desperate housewives is on now. gotta go. Take care, M

So, I'm caught up with the first season of desperate housewives. i watched all the episodes. I went to Science World to see about volunteering this winter. i will be in the special exhibits gallery. right now it's occupied by an exhibit called playing with time. it's a really fun exhibit. I got the opportunity to play in there for awhile on monday afternoon. mom and dad would love it. i had a hard time deciding where to choose to volunteer, but this gallery is quieter and more interesting to me. the other choice, my second choice is the search gallery. i would have loved to be in charge of the "discovery boxes" this gallery is for younger children and the discovery boxes are fun. things like bones, and casts of fossils, and rocks, and x-rays, etc. but i think the gallery i chose is best for me.

i work tonight and have thursday/friday off. i am finally getting my hair dyed again, my roots are tremendously awful. then it's off to a lounge with some girlfriends of mine. Friday is our anniversary dinner. i think we'll go to the same place as last year. it's fun to get the chef's menu. it's always an adventure. anyway, take care, m

I'm going to rogers to get the first season of desperate housewives!! Exciting. i'm going to watch it tonight. delightful. it seems that since it is slowing down at work, my schedule will soon be re-vamped. not to worry, still going to be there loads of time. but serving and making moneymoneymoneymoney. i will keep you 'posted'. love to all M